Who am I?

Posted: March 2nd, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: My Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , | No Comments »

Many of the people who stop by here probably know me, and know that I am working on a book.  Some ask, “Hey, how’s that going? You’ve been working on that for some time.”

Honestly, I haven’t written in almost two months, for the book or this blog.  See, it’s a nonfiction, and in the course of writing, this line left my fingertips and found its way to my keyboard.  Maybe it left my heart and landed in my mind.

“Like a seed, my purpose is to die, so that He can produce life through me.”

I can’t get past it.


Life has been crazy lately.  There’s so much going on , but at the same time, maybe nothing at all (if that makes any sense at all).  Beth (my wife) and I were talking last night, and it occurred to me, that I am not sure who I am anymore.

I know that I am more than what I do, but lately, even figuring that out is crazy.  I’m 31, and the 13th will be Beth and my tenth anniversary!  Maybe it’s just that.  At this milestone in my life,  I look backward to see what has been done, and what hasn’t, maybe a little of what could have been done.

Maybe that’s the problem: Me striving to be something.  Maybe that is where I am missing it and why I can’t move on from that sentence. It’s all the things I want to be; could be. Maybe that is where Jesus found himself in the Garden weeping to His Father.

Maybe it’s time to just let go of the control.  Maybe it’s time to lay there, stop trying to produce something with my life, and see what God can grow.

Sounds so easy, doesn’t it?


A little video by John Schlitt (and lyric in case you can’t handle his vocals, expressions, or the awful video.  Basically just close your eyes and listen):

Show Me The Way:

Living in this space of time
I have to wonder where I’m going
Just who I am, what I’m supposed to be

Searching for that certain sign
That points me in the right direction
The path to take, the one that’s right for me

Oh, choices will come my way, but which ones to choose?
Oh, can’t do it on my own, there’s too much to lose

Take me, guide me, lead me
I’m trusting in You, Lord
Teach me and show me the way
Break me, love me, forgive me
I’m asking of You, Lord
Take me and show me the way

Knowing if I stand alone
I could never see the way that is meant for me
The life that we could share

Learning lessons I must know
From the source who has the answers of life itself
the one who really cares

Oh, in life there’s so many turns, which way to go?
Oh, when You’re beside me, Lord, You’re in control

I know for me You have the perfect plan
I know You had it before time began
Don’t want to listen to what others say
Just show me the way

…Dad, It’s Your Son-

Posted: December 23rd, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: My Thoughts, Spirituality | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

I have been meditating a lot on Matthew 7:7-11:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”

The part about the father/son relationship being an influence in the answer to prayer has been on my mind the most. Seeing that I have five children, I think I can relate to this better than I used to. I also have considered my own relationship to my dad, which I consider to be a better relationship than most men I have encountered.

All that being said, I think that the level of relationship that we have with God affects my prayers and God’s answer to them. That may seem a very obvious observation, but one often overlooked in the many times I ask God why He has not yet answered me or has denied me the things I have prayed for. I believe that the more I’m living as His child should, the more likely He is to grant me my petitions. I can remember times in my life that my dad and I were not on the best of terms, and I asked him for $200 to make my car insurance payment and his answer was a firm, “No.” Some would say that was cruel, others would say that is what I deserved. At that time, it is very likely that I blew my money on movies, dinners, parties, or whatever distraction came to mind that week. My dad, looking at this, knew that I would not learn to be responsible (as I was obviously proving myself otherwise) with my money if he just bailed me out every time (hmm sounds like the opposite of what the government is doing). Our relationship was also pretty distant then, so when I came to ask for the money, it was more than likely the only time my dad had seen me that

My dad and son Jaivin

My dad and son Jaivin


Let’s relate this to the prayers of a believer not walking whole heartedly with God. We do whatever we want, spending our time and resources on whatever pleasures that we desire and at the end of the month we need something. We then find ourselves crying out to God, “I need you to come through for me on this matter. I am sick and in need of your help to make this presentation, I have that mortgage payment coming up and my hours just got cut. Bless me and my family, amen.” God then looks at you and says, “Chris, it’s good to hear from you, it’s the first time in over a week that you have wanted to talk to me. I want to help you, truly I wish that I could, but you have not allowed me to. I have tried to provide for you, in fact, I had a promotion in line for you at work. You lost you cool in a meeting last week, so the boss picked Pete instead. If you were spending more time with me, I could have helped you, if you would have just asked for My peace. It’s hard for Me to give you more money this week because you are not faithful with what I have already given you. If you would just spend more time, and seek Me and My kingdom, I will provide all these things without your asking. I hope to hear from you again soon! I love you!”

Wow does that one get me.

There was another time a few years later when I needed to get my car fixed. My relationship with my dad was much better; I was seeing my parents on a somewhat regular basis and actually spending time with them. My dad looked at me and said, take it to the dealer, I’ll pay for it. I didn’t ask him to pay for it, I just mentioned my need and it was taken care of. In fact, my dad said he knew I was having car trouble and was just waiting for me to mention it to him. The bill ended up being about $1,600. What a difference this was from the previous experience.

What’s the difference? Instead of living my life rejecting my dad and refusing to help him around the house, living like a stranger would, I started to be a son. Loving him, making time to talk with him and enjoying it. We created a bond together, the father/son bond. It is this way with God. When we want to spend time with Him and enjoy that time together our relationship grows to the point where He wants to do these things for us. He wants to bail us out, and like my dad, he knows the need and is just waiting for us to tell Him we need Him so that He can bless us more than we could hope for. Abundantly!

If we want God to treat us like His children, and bless us like His children should be blessed, then we have to live like we are His. For us to be His children, He has to be our dad.

…fatherlike giving is the divine response to childlike living.” – Andrew Murray

God Bless!

Imitate Me ~ Paul

Posted: December 28th, 2007 | Author: | Filed under: My Thoughts, Spirituality | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments »

I was reading in I Corinthians 4 last night where Paul is talking about carnal Christianity and came across verses 14-16:

I do not write these things to shame you, but as my beloved children I warn you. For though you might have ten thousand instructors in Christ, yet you do not have many fathers; for in Christ Jesus I have begotten you through the gospel. Therefore I urge you, imitate me.

That last part in verse 16 is what got me. Paul says, “Imitate me!” I however am not to the point in my walk with God where I can say this to someone else. He has me on the road to that place, but for now I am still at the “Do what I say and not what I do stage”. Is this in part because of verse 15? There are so many telling me what to do and not showing me? See, that is the difference between a father and a teacher. A teacher instructs and says “This is the way it is, believe it and walk in it.” A father says, “I have been there to the place you long for, follow me and do what I do and we will both make it there again.” See, in a classroom, people don’t really get to know the instructors. They only know them by what they speak in the class. Children however know their father and become like him, whether they like it sometimes or not, because they see his life.

There is very little that I can look back to and say, “I am this way because of Mr. Soandso was so compelling in the classroom.” I can however attest to many of my characteristics (and so can my wife) where I am a carbon copy of my dad. Why is that? A teacher teaches knowledge and a father teaches life. In my walk with God right now I am a mere instructor who has but a bit of knowledge of God and I try and pass it to those who will listen, but I long to be a father and not have to say a word except, “If you want to know Him, imitate me because I am like He is.